starlitdestiny

And thus begins the celebration of the completion of twenty-two years of life. Two has always been my lucky number...therefore by that reasoning, 22 should be a pretty lucky year, eh?

Let's hope. There's lots that could go either way with the whole luck business this year.

I GOT TO 50K EVERYONE!!!!!!!!! I WON NANOWRIMO!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~

in other news, Chris Baty (the director of NaNoWriMo) replied to me on Twitter and thanked me for the compliment I paid him and asked after my father's NaNo book. My geeky self can pass on happy.

AND ALSO I am newly in love with Matthew Gray Gubler. End of story. And I wish him a very speedy recovery from his unfortunate dancing accident. Love you, Matthew. Feel better. <3

Ummmmmmm Criminal Minds marathon made me happy. And Mythbusters marathon yesterday made me happy. And winning NaNoWriMo on Thanksgiving made me happy. And coming home to SNOW made me happy.

I'm so psyched for Christmas. I wanna put tinsel up in my room and Christmas lights and a tree and everything~

I recently found out that my dear friend Lee, that committed suicide several months ago, wrote post-dated blog entries about his attempts. My father describes them as showing how frustrated he was by the end that it wasn't working. (Apparently on the night he died, he tried three different times to take enough pills to kill himself.) The blog entries are apparently still up, and my father's going to link me to the blog so that I can read them if I so wish.

I don't know if I have the strength to read his pain.

I've been there before. I've considered suicide. I know what it feels like to hit bottom and feel like you're never going to come back up again. I know what it feels like to think you don't have a single person around you to turn to. I still feel that way some times. To actually read someone else's anguish as they give in to that fight...

I don't know.

The fact that thinking about Lee even now can bring tears to my eyes completely shatters, for me, one of the major myths about the Internet. Parents and critics all say that you cannot form a meaningful relationship with someone over the Internet. The type of deep, meaningful relationship that can be formed between two people must be forged in the flesh. Now, I understand why they say this. I understand why you have to convince 13-year-old girls that they can't be in love with the boy they met on Myspace four weeks ago and have never even spoken to on the phone. I know the difference.

But anyone that can say to me that you CANNOT form a meaningful relationship online doesn't know what they're talking about.

I met Lee once. I had brunch with him, another online friend Kim, and my father while we were on a college visit down closer to where Lee and Kim lived. I spent maybe 60-90 minutes with him - and he was in a bad mood that day, since his health wasn't particularly good at that point. But I wept when Lee died. I had trouble concentrating in classes. I walked around my friend's porch burning incense for him at the time of his funeral because I couldn't attend. I am getting tears in my eyes just thinking about that time, and when I found out that Lee had died. Remembering the call I made to my father asking "What's all this on Facebook I"m seeing about Lee?" and hearing the silence that came after before my father's soft voice returned "Lee killed himself, Rach."

I remember what hearing that sounded like. Felt like. It knocked the wind out of me.

And now I see on Lee's Facebook page that someone's finally decided to write the book they talked to him about...and I think of my own work. The people I'm writing for, beyond myself. I think of Don. I think of Jamz. I think of Alex. I think of my friends from my childhood I lost at age 6 to moving. I think of the people I call my siblings: Todd, Emily, Brad, Kira, Kyle, Jordan. I think of my parents. I think of the fights I've made, to begin overcoming my depression, my anxiety, my obesity. And I see so many reasons that I need to get out there, lose the last 30 pounds, set down the time to edit my novel, and fight to study in London and live out my dream of going to grad school and becoming a published author.

I know that I have people that mean the world to me, both online and in person, that will cheer me on every step of the way. I have people that love me. I have friends that care for me. And to them, I say thank you. Thank you for supporting me, thank you for continuing to be there for me, even when I make it really difficult to want to stay. And to anyone that wants to say bad things about me and try to put me down, I have two words: Get out. I am almost 22 years old, and that may not be many, but it's enough to know a bad influence when I see one. I have enough of a battle to fight with myself to keep my self-esteem up. If you're not willing to support me and stand at my side through the good and the bad, then I have no use for you and you can walk out the door right now.

I think I'm finally finding who I am, and that I'm pretty happy with who I am. You don't like it? Fine. Go take a hike - and get out of my life.

All right, this has become increasingly irritating over time.

I've always jokingly said that I'm always tired, usually right after someone asks me how I am and I respond "tired" and they say that I always say that. But this time it's getting a little silly. I just went to bed around 12:30 - 1:00AM. My first alarm went off at quarter to eight, and then again at eight. Seven hours of sleep, give or take. This should be good, yes?

Apparently not.

Normally I wake up tired, and then I wake up over time and it's all good again. Today wasn't that way. Here I sit at 11:30 AM, almost three hours after I woke up, and I'm still exhausted. I woke up feeling sick, so I didn't go do my Newsbreak like I usually do. I didn't go to work study as I have a test to study for. I ate breakfast, but not an hour later, I am starving again (or the stomach pains I feel are just the ill feeling and not hunger, but I really can't tell). So I can't ever be not hungry, I can't ever feel refreshed, and now I have to go attempt to take a very high-stakes Abnormal Psych test feeling like I got hit by a truck. AND on top of all of this, I found out that while I am still going to see Fiddler on the Roof in Buffalo a week from tomorrow, the actor that I was going to go see is out of the show permanently with a shoulder injury - thereby making the trip to the theatre almost entirely worthless.

I'm not so much in favor of this.

I have a paper in Psych due on the first of December - ie: needs to be done before Thanksgiving break so that I don't take it home with me/don't get it done at all. I supposedly have an article due the second day we get back from Thanksgiving break, and I have NO idea when I'm supposed to see the show that I'm reviewing for it. Quite possibly the day we get back - and then write the article the same night. Fabulous. My photography assignment is not due until Tuesday and that's fabulous, but it's getting too cold to completely recreate the images I had before that my professor wants to see redone. I probably have something due for Religion that I just don't know about yet or don't remember. I know I have an ASL final, but I can't remember when. Next week, when I have to do all of this work, is entirely filled with nonsense that people want/need me to do, or things I'd really like to do in an attempt to stay sane.

And of course, on top of all of this, I need to attempt to figure out what I'm doing for the rest of my life.

Don't you just love growing up? Ugh. I want to just escape to Thanksgiving break, but I totally can't because all of this has to get done before Thanksgiving break. Boooo.

In other news, my NaNoWriMo novel is doing pretty well. I'm ahead of schedule, thank the gods, so if my school eats my time a few nights, I won't be ruined. But I need to prove to the group that I'm leading here on campus that even if you're crazy busy, you can still win this thing. I've drilled it into their heads - I have to win this year. I have to. Have to have to have to.

Speak well of me at the funeral, okay?

Oh sweet heavens, this isn't a loaded question at all.

Have I given someone second chances and lived to regret it? Not really/not yet. I've never given someone a second chance in love, per ce - so I can't quite say anything about that. I'm patching up things with one of my...failed romances...for lack of a better term, and so it'll be nice to see if we can actually be friends after all of what's happened.

I think romantic chemistry is evolving constantly. I don't think any relationship that doesn't change and/or evolve over time probably isn't healthy. People change; the way we interact with people should alter to fit as well. I've fallen in and out of love with the same people before because of ways us and the chemistry between us has changed.

And oh sweet gods in heaven, yes I've fallen for people I didn't like at first. See above "failed romance" indication. Didn't like him, didn't think he was attractive, had convinced myself that I wouldn't like him. That didn't work out so well. *sigh*

As for the entire usage of the word "love", I'm a little dubious about using it. See, I don't believe that I've ever really been in love. Out of the guys I've fallen for...one's really lasted the test of time, and he told me he didn't like me back ...what is it now, six years ago? And yet I still had a dream with him in it last night. *shakes head* The closest I've ever felt to love I can't deem that until a later date... but that's a story for a different blog entry.

Happy Halloween, everyone. Be safe, don't drink and drive, eat lots of candy, etc.

NANOWRIMO STARTS IN TWO HOURS OMG.

That's my entire thought process right now. "...O_o"

I just watched the movie "Dogville". It's got Nicole Kidman, Stellan Skarsgård, Paul Bettany, Siobhan Fallon...

I watched it for my photography class, because the professor suggested (rather strongly) that I might be able to get some inspiration out of the style in which the film is made. And sure, I definitely came away with that.

I'm also not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight. o_o

BUT that being said, it is an excellent movie, with a great...message? Yeah, good message. I recommend it to everyone. It's 3 hours long though, so be prepared to spend a lot of time watching it, but it DOESN'T FEEL like 3 hours. Promise.

...omg. I can't get the end of the movie out of my mind. I almost want to watch it again. But I definitely don't have 3 MORE hours to spend appeasing my photography professor.

Okay. Since this is the Internet and I know people could find this, I'm gonna be REALLY VAGUE and not use names or specifics. Let's see how well I do.

There's this guy. And he's REALLY ridiculously attractive to me. He's smart, and funny, and awkward in that adorable nerdy geeky kind of socially-stunted way, and interested in similar things to me. We're not that different in age (he's older).

And he is 125% UNREACHABLE. Like...basically no way around this at all. Social norms working entirely against me-and-him.

Like......I want really hard to just be good friends with him, if nothing else, and it's still...not...really...doable. Like, I feel like I'll just look like a stalker. So...I guess I just sit here. And maybe wait until...some of the not-allowed-ness has passed.

(Ugh, non-specifics fail me.)

But like... I really feel like we'd connect well, just as friends. I think we could have a lot of fun going out and getting lunch at a cafe or something, and just talking about all the stuff we have in common. But we can't. And I can't mention ANY of this to him at all. None. So I will sit, letting the fabulous movie-quality tension between us every time was talk pass, and pretend that I don't feel a thing, and hope that maybe someday things will change and one of us will just be like "Oh hey, now that we can... let's talk."

Another hopeless dream from this hopeless romantic of a dreamer.

Gods, it's been a while since I felt this way. He's the type of guy you feel just desperately needs a hug, and you just want to hold him forever and hope that if you do you'll see that beautiful little smile come back to his face. Tell him that it doesn't matter what the world thinks; the little piece of awkwardness in his nature is precious and adorable and totally acceptable. Tell him that you don't care where you started, it's where you end that makes all the difference...tell him that you'd change your dreams to stay around him. Ask him if he'd share your dreams. Just be around him forever, because he makes you smile.

BLARGH. fucking... Why can't it ever work out in my favor for once? Why do I always have to fall for the ones I can never have? We'd be perfect. We'd match. But it can't happen. How many times to I have to watch perfect chances pass me by before I finally get my chance? "I love him...but only on my own."

You tell 'em, Eponine.

Torch Song
Girl's Not Grey
The Leaving song Pt II
Too Shy To Scream
Ever and a Day
Kill Caustic
End Transmission
Half Empty Bottle
Beautiful Thieves
Dancing Through Sunday
The Leaving Song
On the Arrow
Death of Seasons
Medicate
Love Like Winter
The Interview
Miss Murder
Silver and Cold

This. This, my friends, was the playlist of the concert I attended last night.

Anyone wanna take a WILD GUESS of who was playing? ^^

Yup, this DF girl finally got a chance to go see the AFI boys live at the Water Street Music Hall in Rochester. And MAN, the venue was so much smaller than what I was expecting! Which is AWESOME - I love small venues - but DAMN I wasn't expecting that. Nor was the line at long as I was fearing. Decent crowd, but not as many as I thought. Got there about an hour and a half early and still was one person away from the gate up in front of the stage. ...Yes. I was about 10-15 feet away from Davey Havok. O_O omg.

Gallows was the opening act, and they're a little harder than the stuff I usually listen to, but if I was given their music I certainly wouldn't turn it away, nor complain if I had to see them again. They're a British punk band, and they seem like a lot of fun. Good bass lines and beats in their stuff.

And then of course AFI... was amazing. I've noticed that Davey's new haircut - the shorter style - really kinda reminds me of how old Davey is. Now, not saying that Davey's crazy old (he's not) or that the haircut is bad (it's not) but it's just one of those moments when you look at him and realize "oh yeah...you've been in this band for like 15-20 years, haven't you? You're in your 30s. Damn boy, you rock it HARD." But for a 33-year-old, Davey still brings it hard, and rocks everyone's socks off.

And to top it all off, since it was in Rochester, I got to see Davey perform in the town where he was born. XD It was a great moment; Davey walked up to the mic and just goes "Who's from around here?" and everyone cheers, and he responds "Cause I am. I was born here." And everyone cheers again.

But O_O I'm just so speechless about this all. They played "Too Shy to Scream", my favorite song thus far off of Crash Love; they played "Silver and Cold" which is quite possibly my favorite AFI song of ALL TIME; they rocked out "Girl's Not Grey"... man. It was quite possibly one of the most fabulous moments I've had in a long time.

Davey, Jade, Hunter, Adam - thanks for making that show absolutely fabulous. I hope I can come out and see you again. Sincerely, your humble DF member, Rachel.

No, don't read into the title too much. They're lyrics. :D

From Chess. Yes. It's a whole musical about the board game of chess. But I found the soundtrack for the concert version with Adam Pascal as Freddie, Idina Menzel as Florence, and Josh Groban as Anatoly, so I AM UBER HAPPY WITH IT. It's just a fabulous show with an amazing cast and I urge everyone in the world to watch/listen to it. Srsly.

But things have been good lately! Been keeping busy, which is nice given that I spent so much of my time in the past few years here holed up in my room doing nothing. I went to Wing Fest, I'm getting the ball rolling for my radio show this semester, I went to the Lewiston Peach Fest today for community service for my REL class (not cool class, fun times at the Fest), I'm going on the Whirlpool Jetboat tour with my roomies tomorrow, and tonight I'm headed to the pub with fellow DJ and buddy Van.

So much funnnn :D

I hope that this beginning is indicative of the rest of the school year. It's been such a great start *knocks on wood* that I just hope it keeps going like this. *deep breath*

It feels good to be happy.

On the LJ main page, it has an advertisement for some quiz where you can find out "What do you smell like to Edward Cullen?"

...

Well, I don't know about vice versa, but at least to -me-, Edward Cullen smells like paper.

So.

So this warrants a post all of its own.

THE BUFFALO WING FEST... WAS AMAZING.

Seriously, if anyone reading this blog has a chance to come out to Buffalo, NY for the Buffalo Wing Fest (my bet is that it's probably every Labor Day weekend, but I'm not sure), DO IT. DOOOOOOO it and bring LOTS of money because you WILL spend it all.

Let's try to make a list of everything Rachel ate (these are not in chronological order):

- 4 classic Medium Anchor Bar wings (this is the place that the "buffalo wing" originated, hence NOT getting Anchor Bar wings is almost a crime)
- 3 Chiavetta's BBQ wings (Chiavetta's is famous for their EXCELLENT BBQ sauce)
- Roasted corn-on-the-cob (also from Chiavetta's)
- Part of a chicken wing rice ball from Falletta's Restaurant
- Strawberry shortcake from Falletta's
- 1.5 salt and vinegar, 1 medium garlic parmesan herb, and 1 chipotle raspberry wings from Hurricane Grill & Wings
- 3 hot garlic wings from Legend Larry's (VERY hot, omg, bad life choice)
- About 1/3 of a container of Frozen Hot Chocolate Lake Effect Ice Cream from Mike and Mark's Ice Cream
- 3 tequila lime BBQ wings from Quaker Steak and Lube
- 1 dusted chipotle wings Becca gave me from QS&L
- and I've bought and tried, but not eaten all of, a medium bag of kettle corn from Pop-In-Bob's Kettle Corn.

...Goodness I don't need to eat for about a century. On top of that, I had a bottle of Diet Coke (to try and recover from the hot garlic wings) and a glass of White Zinfandel from Barefoot Wines. *falls over dead* My diet is clearly shot all to hell for this week. Oh well - I shall be more intentional about going to the gym next week. :D

The Lewiston Peach Festival is next Saturday, and I'm hoping to go to that as well :D Anything that may involve me getting peaches is a goooood idea. :D But honestly, right now, food is the last thing on my mind. XD

I've had a good first two days of classes (weird to think that those were potentially my some of my last "first days of classes" ever) but there's really not that much to report... other than my photography teacher is pretty damn cute and I'm gonna kill my religion professor. BUT.

Here's a quiz from FB.

1.You have 10 dollars and need to buy snacks at a gas station:
Diet Pepsi, Sun Chips... and nuts/seeds of some variety.

2. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be?
A penguin. :D

3. Whos your favorite redhead?
Jeckel and Emmy. (one natural, one not)

4. What do you order when youre at IHOP?
Given that I've only been to an IHOP once in my life... I don't know.

5. Last book you read?
Good freaking question. I'm reading "Mary Reilly" right now.

6. Describe your mood.
At loose ends, a bit.

7. Describe the last time you were injured?
I smashed my shins into a dolly this weekend

8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with?
Renee - ROTC girl could get me out of anything.

9. Rock concert or symphony?
Rock concert. Unless the NCDT is with the symphony. Then I'd have to think about it.

10. What is the wallpaper of your cell phone?
A rose

11. Favorite Soda?
Diet Pepsi or Diet Squirt

12. What type of shirt are you wearing?
My Princess Bride t-shirt

13. If you could only use one form of transportation:
Car, I suppose. Hmm... but how to get overseas...

14. Most recent movie you have watched in theatres?
Public Enemies

15. Name an actor/actress/singer you have had the hots for:
...Oh sure. Anthony Rapp for actor... and... oh hell. I'll put Steven Ross as singer.

16. Whats your favorite kind of cake?
Spice

17. What did you have for dinner last night?
Ravioli and a salad

18. Look to your left, what do you see?
my TV and a blue bunny

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Nope

20. Favorite toy as a child?
Yellow Brown, I suppose. But I don't really remember.

21. Do you buy your own groceries?
Yup, when I'm at school

22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
I think they do. They may. Probably do. I really don't care. I have no use for people that can't take up their issues with me directly.

23. Whens the last time you had gummy worms?
I have no freaking clue.

24. Whats your favorite fruit?
Peaches

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?
LOL no, I can't do one.

26. Do you like running long distances?
No, not really. I'm more a sprinter than anything else.

27. Have you ever eaten snow?
Hasn't everyone?

28. What color are your bedsheets?
Black, at the moment.

29. Whats your favorite flower?
White rose

30. Do you do ballet?
On occasion

31. Do you listen to classical music?
Every once in a while

32. What is the 1st TV Theme song that pops in your head?
House

33. Do you watch Sponge bob?
nooooooooo

34. What temperature is it outside right now?
Decent, for this time of year on the Ridge

35. Do people consider you smart?
Apparently

36. How many piercings do you have?
5

37. Are you signed on AIM?
Yes ma'am

38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?
Yup. :D

39 How do you feel about your family?
They're pretty cool people for the most part

40. Do you have an iPod?
Yessss can't live without it

41. What time do you go to bed?
11:30 - 12:00

42. What CD is currently in your CD player?
Ophelia - Ophelia

43. What movie do you know every line to?
Uhhhh probably Pirates of the Caribbean 1 still.

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Ranch, balsamic vinaigrette

45. What do you want for Christmas this year?
Sonicare toothbrush, desktop computer, cosplay money

46. What family member/friend lives the farthest from you? Where?
Family: Brad lives in England, Uncle Guy lives in California
Friend: The Honduran boys, Alex in UK, Alvaro in España... I could probably keep going but I won't.

47. Do you like hugs?
Yis!

48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
All the freakin time

49. Whats the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?
Oh Gods... the list goes onnnnn forever. But "fill-a-pie" instead of "fill-a-pea" is common.

50. Last person you hugged?
No idea. Possibly a roomie of mine.

So I have to be packing right now, but instead, I'm sitting here, writing an LJ post about what I should be doing. XD I'm fabulous.

I go back to school on Thursday for freshman orientation. I'm working as an Orientation Assistant (OA) though I really REALLY don't see why. I don't like sports, or running around, or looking like I'm enjoying myself when I'm not, and generally being in charge of things like that. Sooooo why I'm doing this is anyone's guess. (Oh yeah, because people have been telling me since sophomore year that I should be an OA. *facedesk*)

In any event, I'm looking forward to getting back to school and seeing everyone. It's gonna be a boss semester, and of course being back in the independent realm of the apartment and being able to see my college friends and party and whatnot is always fun. :)

I spent 6 minutes (I know, not a long time, but hear me out) 6 MINUTES on the phone with the USPS automated system today, trying to contact the NU post office. The USPS, for reasons unknown, does not list the actual telephone numbers of their branches on the website, but instead sends EVERY PHONE CALL to the automated system. After fighting my way through the menu system (I'm trying to cancel my forwarding service, but don't know what exactly they file that under...) it tells me I need to contact the originating PO to change that. NO REALLY?! So they're like "do you wanna contact the office?" and I say "yes" (because you can TALK to machines now) and it tells me to input my zip code and I put NU's zip code, and it gives me the info of the Lewiston post office. *facedesk* While nearby, this is not useful, nor is it correct as NU and Lewiston do not share the same zip code. Sigh. It gives me an option to hear ALL the POs in the zip code and me, thinking "well I'd like to hear the one that's actually IN that zip, so sure" pick that option. First choice? NU's office. THANK YOU. I call the office, get it taken care of, wham bam thank you ma'am.

The kicker? The call to NU took 2 minutes. The call to the USPS machine took THREE TIMES AS LONG. Just for a phone number. Augh. It's nice that the CD I was making sure didn't get forwarded is totally worth it... (Love and hugs and fabulous things go out to Noel Davila, who knows why I'm so excited about this CD.)

In any event. I have one more shift of work tomorrow, and then I go back to NU. I won't miss leaving CI nearly as much this year as I did last year. I think I bonded more with my co-workers last year than this, and now since most of the people I stayed around to see were at Hurst and they all left (except for Ben, who I saw today :D) I don't much mind leaving. I need to get serious about looking for grad schools with ways that I can go without really paying any money. I don't have the money to pay for it myself so if I can get a scholarship and a teaching apprenticeship or something, I'll be golden. Hmmm... Charlotte... NCDT... hmmm...

But I suppose I need to at least get some headway on this packing done now. Frustration. I've got too much crap to worry about.

Easy! To get to 150 lbs by the New Year. :D

And NOTHING STANDS IN MY WAY, BIOTCHES!!!!! I'm already down 36 lbs since February (putting me at a lovely 180) and am continuing well on my way to lose the last 30 lbs. Working out at least an hour every day or so certainly helps this. :D

i'm so proud of myself *sniff*

``

in other news

BLINK CONCERT WITH FOB, PATD, AND SOME OTHER PEOPLE CALLED CHESTER FRENCH ON FRIDAY

JOB TWO IS DOOOOOOOONE

I'm going to miss a lot of the people I was working with, and miss the job itself (I liked the restaurant atmosphere for the most part) but I will not miss the bullshit, the bad scheduling, the useless work they made me to, the incompetent boss... none of that shall I miss. I'll miss the people. and the paycheck. But there are just some things I cannot stand for.

SO PSYCHED my Kyo wig came in the mail today. So I just really want to find some athletic tape and try out the binding method I saw... and see how close to Kyo I can really become. :D Just a few more steps and I'll be a full-fledged cosplayer, yes I shall...

But right now I have to get ready for bed and sleep for church in the morning and all that stuff. Night all - more updates later.

I quit my second job. The scheduling nonsense was more than I could handle. Not knowing my schedule ON THE DAY that it begins? No no no. I have too much crap to do this summer to deal with that. Plans to make. Money to spend. Srsly. I work today, and then next weekend, and then I'm outie.

I've started cosplaying. I have three completely costumes, essentially, and am waiting on a few wigs. I'm hoping a lot of this will be done soon-ish. But we shall see. (Characters: Kyo Sohma, Turk Reno, Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockheart, Phoenix Wright)

Still losing weight and feeling awesome about it. :D My only concern is that I'm going to buy Tifa's outfit now, and then it won't fit me when I wear it for AD (which I'm VERY SERIOUSLY hoping to get to). But if it's too big, I'll figure out how to take it in. It'll all be good.

Blink-182, Panic at the Disco, and Fall Out Boy are all coming to Darien Lake - on a day that I HAVE OFF. VERY seriously considering buying a concert/park pass and going for the day. omg I miss amusement parks with upside-down roller-coasters.

Jason Alexander (of Seinfeld fame) is coming to Chautauqua at the end of the month (after I leave Job #2) and if I work parking, I get to see it AND earn money. I'm all about that. Must remember to call/tell my supervisor.

Oddly enough, even though I was in a really horrible mood this morning, and I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to go to work in half an hour, I'm in a much better mood. Not sure why - guess writing all this down helped me realize that I've got a lot going for me and as long as I play my cards right, everything's going to go exactly as planned. *grins* So that's pretty awesome.

Gotta get ready for work though. Not too much more time now! :D

i want a part time job. that is all i want out of this job.

i can only work a MAXIMUM of three days.

i need sundays off.

this is what I need. -I-. Me. I need this, and if you cannot give it to me, I will have to start looking for a different second job. I appreciate that you like me, and have me working a lot. It shows that I'm doing a good job, and I'm glad you think that. But I need to look out for -me-.

---

ugh. i don't want to go to work at 2. it's job #2. the above is what i'm fairly certain I'll have to say to my boss either today or tomorrow. i don't know what planet she's living on, but in her world, 4-5 days a week is part-time, and even though I said when I applied that sundays were bad for me, that she can have me work 2-close on them. so as much as I hate to be like this, and go there, I need to confront her. I ONLY WANT a part-time job. Part-time, to me, means 2-3 days a week. NO MORE. And I need my Sundays off. I'm losing seeing my family enough as it is. Sundays are one of the few days that we're often all together. And if she can't give me this little that I ask for (in addition to the suggestion that she would only have me work on days that I'm working at job #1 - and as there's 5 days out of every 7 that I work there, that shouldn't bee that hard - then I need to find a different second job. No second job is worth doing this to myself, no matter how much I may need the money.

None.

*deep breath* I hate being the forceful one. I hate asserting myself and says "me me me this is what I need and poop on what you need." But I'm 21 years old. This is my last summer before I have to find a real job and go into the real world. I'm not going to drive myself insane over it. I just can't. I'm really hoping that my saying "i need this or I need to leave" will spur her into working with me. She's been pretty decent thus far. We'll see.

Please, God - give me the strength to fight this battle. Let Sandy see what I'm saying, and have her understand. But if it's not where I need to be, and she can't give me what I ask for, then give me strength to walk away. Because I'm not sure I can walk away on my own.

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Side note - I find it ironic that I go to church today, and the whole sermon is talking about asking God for strength through difficult times, and ensuring that faith in Him will bring you to where you need to go. It was like the whole thing was aimed directly at me for this battle for my boss. But then again, this isn't the first time I've had this happen. AND - I can remember back to another day when I sat in tears in the living room of my house, frustrated with what my life was doing and how it was making me miserable, etc... and when I got back to the place that was frustrating me, I did what I needed to do to be happy again - and changed my major.

Standing up for what I need is what -I need- to be doing right now. I just hope I can have the strength to do it again.